Ramblings of a tired mom

Have you ever looked back on your life and even though you wouldn't give away your children or your husband for anything in the world you still just feel like something is missing? That's how I have been feeling lately. Maybe its the lack of sleep, maybe its the stress of life or maybe its just me.
I opened up the store without giving much thought to the consequences it would have on my family or my life. I loved my store. I loved meeting new people, finding new products, educating people on cloth diapering and being more Eco friendly. I loved talking to other store owners and sharing little secrets. I didn't however love that I never saw my children, or that even when I was at home I wasn't really at home. I was always too busy finishing paperwork, placing orders, filling orders, paying bills or doing any of the other millions of things that have to be done behind the scenes.
Payton was/is sick and needs me. I quit my store to be with her and the other girls because I swore when I was a little girl that my children would not be raised by babysitters and that I would be there for them after school, and whenever they needed me. With the store I wasn't. After 6 months that seemed to fly by I realized one day that I needed to be a mom . That doesn't mean that I don't want to work though.
I want to do something that is flexible and that I enjoy and that works for our family. So I decided to turn my photography hobby into a bit of a business. Its something that I love to do, and something that I can do at my own pace. I have a lot to learn but everyday I feel like I am getting better and better. Yet I still feel like something is missing.......
I want to be one of those people who contributes something, someone who gives back someone who isn't afraid to live life instead of letting it pass by . When I die I want people to remember me as someone who did something, or who gave something. Right now I am not.
Yes I am a mom and I love every minute of it and yes I am a wife but I am nothing special. My Uncle and Aunt travel around the world helping in churches and orphanages and giving so much to others. My cousin moved to China for months to help get women and children out of slavery, my parents give every ounce of who they are to other people. And what do I do?.........nothing. I. Do. Nothing. I want so badly to teach my children to give back and to be unselfish and to help others, but how do I do that when I don't even know myself?
These are the things I think about. These are the things that trouble me.
I tuck my babies into bed every night and ask myself how do I be a better person for them? How do I guide them to be wonderful , caring, thoughtful adults when I am not one myself?
Maybe one day when I grow up I will know all the answers, but until then I will just keep trying and failing until one day... I will get it right.